Be The Friend You'd Want to Have

To have a friend, the old saying goes, you must be a friend.  

Me / You

Which means trying to be our best selves.  Treating others as you want to be treated.  Most of the time.  Nobody's perfect.

Being kind and considerate towards others.  Trying not to judge.

Giving because you have something to give and you can.  Not because you'll get something in return.

Listening to other people's thoughts and feelings.  Giving them the same value as your own.

Accepting you're not always right or immune to criticism.   There's always something to learn from others.

Celebrating the achievements of others.  Not gossiping or slagging them off behind their backs.

Standing alongside someone when they're struggling and helping them keep pushing on.  Balancing that with taking care of yourself and maintaining your boundaries.

Accepting you won't always get what you want.  No one does.  Your situation / health issues may get you some slack but they're don't entitle you to behave badly.

To forgive others and not hold onto grudges.

To ... etc ... etc ... 

The only person's behaviour I'm responsible for, and have any control over, is my own.  I don't always do the right thing even though I know what the right thing is.  I'm not perfect and don't pretend to be. But that doesn't mean I don't have to try ... Hopefully the great stuff cancels out the bad.  Hopefully.

Most people are probably the same.  Life is much happier and less stressful if I assume nonsense happens because people are forgetful or thoughtless rather than deliberately unkind or malicious. Sadly, that isn't always the case.  There will always be the odd one ... The complete and utter bad egg.  This post isn't about them.  

Them

Friendships end for many reasons.  Sometimes I look back and realise nothing I could have done would have changed things.  The friendship was for a season and that season is over.  Other times I have to acknowledge that if I'd been them, I'd have dumped my arse too.  Whatever the reason, the friendship is gone and that's sad.  

During my research into ways to simplify my life, I came across a lot of advice about friendships.  Quite a few commentators advised "cutting toxic friends from your life".  A "toxic friend" is defined as someone who spreads rumours about you, belittles you, isn't trustworthy and doesn't keep confidences.  All the time.  That doesn't sound much like a friend.

Part of self-care is standing up for yourself when someone treats you badly.  Because wailing at the universe they shouldn't do that isn't going to make them stop.  Although you're not wrong.  The Lion technique is very helpful.  The first time Growl.  The second time Growl Louder.  The third Chew Toy.  Hopefully you never get to Chew Toy.  

Other things they mention - too harsh, can be self-centred, not supportive enough or stubborn - sound like things we're all guilty of.  They can cause friendships to break, but they're not necessarily signs  someone wants to bring you down and is a toxic friend.  

A lot of these posts focus on what the writer expects of others, but not what others can expect from them.

Some of the issues mentioned might be resolved by taking a bit of responsibility.  Trying to communicate better as people aren't mind-readers.  Developing more realistic expectations of others. Showing some empathy and appreciation.

Anyone who expects a friend never to be in a bad mood, moan or always go along with their plans or agree with them is going to be disappointed.  That's not a friend.  That's a doormat.

I love this quote from Henri Nouwen:

"Did I offer peace today? Did I bring a smile to someone's face? Did I say words of healing? Did I let go of my anger and resentment? Did I forgive? Did I love? These are the real questions. I must trust that the little bit of love that I sow now will bear many fruits, here in this world and the life to come."

Everyone else

This may not be a popular opinion.  For balance, I asked a few bloggers to share their experiences of friendship.  The good, the bad and the indifferent.

Here's a selection of their comments:

Ayse (Arepops): "I spent years being friends with a girl that was only happy when I was below her or when she needed to vent, the minute I got a partner and had a child she decided she didn’t want to be there for me and help me through bad days because I was ‘too negative’ for her. It’s made me appreciate the friends I have now so much more. "

Hayley (Winging It With Two Boys): "I relocated to South Wales just outside Llanelli in August 2016 (I was living just outside Ely in Cambridgeshire), hubby works away, and so once we’d moved and he went back to work it was just me and the boys - I knew no one - I went to a toddler group and made a mum friend, she then introduced me to someone else and now I have a really close network of friends, we all pitch in and help out with school pick ups/drop offs, look after each other’s children if there’s an emergency - I’m so thankful to have met some lovely people"

Kayleigh (Candyfloss & Dreams): "I’m still in touch with my best friend from school and we spend time together each week doing aqua fit. We’ve both had our battles with mental health and family and have had years without speaking but now our friendship is as strong as ever. Other than that though, all of my friends have come through fellow parent bloggers or online. They’re amazing and I’m so glad they’re in my life and with social media help and support is just a message away".

Jen (Just Average Jen): "I have recently come to realise someone I am friends with I am more of a counsellor to and realised that it is definitely a one way friendship and always has been. It's ok for there to be times you're there for them as long as they on return are there for you. This friend drains me and I am constantly trying to avoid her calls because of this. My true friends are there for me as much as I am there for them. So as much as I feel bad doing it I think I need to distance myself from and disconnect from this so called friend for my own sanity."

Victoria (The Growing Mum): "One of my really close friend made a few suspect choices along the way and has lost touch with friends and family. So every time I walk past a homeless person I'm reminded of her and how my offers of help fell on deaf ears. It just makes me really sad!"

Veronica (My Parenting Journey): "Reading some of your comments made me appreciate my friend even more. We met in college and although she was not what I'd call my best friend, I realized she's become someone I can definitely rely on. I lost touch with my group of friends since I had babies. If there is a get-together, I'll just take a rain check because I am a mom! What more reason could there be. 😅 Until they had stopped inviting me because maybe they thought I didn't want to spend time with them. However, this friend I was talking about understood me (even if she's still single!). She considers the fact that I am a mom and that there are gazillion things in my to do list. She goes out of her way to stay at home and catch up with me and she loves my children too!!"

Thanks to all the bloggers who commented.  I couldn't use all of them but am giving a shout out to Lianne (Anklebitters Adventures); Folakemi (Peacocks Can Fly), Kate (Ever After With Kids), Sarah at Mummy Cat Notes; Lisa (Bare Mother); Sinead (Sinead Latham)  and Carla-Marie (My Bump 2 Baby) as well.

The Royal Wedding ...

Totally off topic, but it seems weird not to mention it as there was No Escape.  Besides, I love a wedding and wish Harry and Meghan all the best for their life together.  Brilliant sermon by Bishop Curry on the power of love:

"Imagine if love is the way ... When love is the way, we will let justice roll down in ... Poverty will become history ... We'd actually treat each other like we are actually family."

A post shared by Fashion (@elle_elegance) on May 19, 2018 at 6:35am PDT

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