A few weeks ago, MG and I had a conversation about self care and forgiveness, A very big topic for a small comment box so I've written a post to try and expand on our discussion a bit. Hopefully it'll all make sense but this is likely to be a bit of a ramble ...
Forgiveness means many different things.
It can be about forgiving others. Letting emotions like anger, hurt and revenge about a situation / person go. It won't change what happened but helps you to move on with life. It's not the same as forgetting or excusing what happened. It doesn't mean having to be their mate. Forgiveness helps take away the power a person or situation continues to have in your life so you can move on to better things.
It can be about forgiving yourself. Honestly acknowledging the wrongs you've done and how your behaviour has affected others. This may involve apologising to someone, taking practical steps to make things right as well as trying to do and to be better. You can't make someone forgive you. It really is up to them.
Much of the comment I’ve seen about forgiveness treats it like a linear progress ending in a one and done act. But life isn’t tidy like that. Forgiveness is a process to an end state with many steps forward and as many steps back. A big ball of wibbly-wobbly.
It can be about forgiving others. Letting emotions like anger, hurt and revenge about a situation / person go. It won't change what happened but helps you to move on with life. It's not the same as forgetting or excusing what happened. It doesn't mean having to be their mate. Forgiveness helps take away the power a person or situation continues to have in your life so you can move on to better things.
It can be about forgiving yourself. Honestly acknowledging the wrongs you've done and how your behaviour has affected others. This may involve apologising to someone, taking practical steps to make things right as well as trying to do and to be better. You can't make someone forgive you. It really is up to them.
Much of the comment I’ve seen about forgiveness treats it like a linear progress ending in a one and done act. But life isn’t tidy like that. Forgiveness is a process to an end state with many steps forward and as many steps back. A big ball of wibbly-wobbly.
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One thing to remember is that forgiveness is about you, not them. They may not want your forgiveness or feel they need it. They may not forgive you. It's about your peace, happiness and healing. It's about taking away the power that person or situation has in your life.
I’ve tried writing things down and burning them. Bashing the life out of innocent cushions. Imaging my mental handbag containing all the unwanted things has been thrown far away never to return. Prayer. Talking to others. It's not an easy progress, but it's been worth it.
Rev T has many big books about forgiveness. There's lots of references to it in the Bible. Jesus speaks repeatedly about forgiveness, "If you forgive others for the wrongs they do to you, your Father in heaven will forgive you. But if you don’t forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins." Then there's: "Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy."
Other religions have similar teachings. When I was Googling, I found this quote from the Mahabharata, a Hindu text: "Righteousness is the one highest good, forgiveness is the one supreme peace, knowledge is one supreme contentment, and benevolence, one sole happiness."
I hope if you're struggling with forgiveness that this post helps you. I also send you all the hugs.
While I was looking for a nice picture of the Time-y Wimey quote to include in this post, I found this quote from Eleven. It kind of sums it up nicely:
Rev T has many big books about forgiveness. There's lots of references to it in the Bible. Jesus speaks repeatedly about forgiveness, "If you forgive others for the wrongs they do to you, your Father in heaven will forgive you. But if you don’t forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins." Then there's: "Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy."
Other religions have similar teachings. When I was Googling, I found this quote from the Mahabharata, a Hindu text: "Righteousness is the one highest good, forgiveness is the one supreme peace, knowledge is one supreme contentment, and benevolence, one sole happiness."
I hope if you're struggling with forgiveness that this post helps you. I also send you all the hugs.
While I was looking for a nice picture of the Time-y Wimey quote to include in this post, I found this quote from Eleven. It kind of sums it up nicely:
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I think being kind and doing forgiveness helps you move forward and don't get help back X #bigpinklink
ReplyDeleteSo true. You've got to be willing to let things go to move forward.
DeleteI enjoyed this post and it definitely made me think. I know I can struggle to let things go, mainly because when I am hurt, I hurt deep. This is something I need to work on. #mg
ReplyDeleteThank you. It can be hard to let things go which why I see it as a process. Particularly when you've been hurt badly. Sending hugs
DeleteThank you for writing on this subject and for referencing our chat, to be honest I am still struggling with forgiveness, I think in many ways I feel disappointed that I was so weak in the situation, that I didn't stand up for me. I am still trying to work through it all, but what you write here makes so much sense, thanks so much for letting me know via Twitter and also linking up to #mg, much love to you xx
ReplyDeleteMuch love to you as well. If this post helps you forgive yourself and let go of that disappointment, I would be so happy. Sending hugs
DeleteHad a thought ... Forgiveness also means forgiving ourselves for not being the person we thought we were or want to be. Hopefully we learn from our mistakes and do things different next time. Maybe better. Sending more hugs
DeleteThank you, sending hugs your way too
DeleteThis is a good post. People say that you should forgive and forget. I don't think you should ever forget, but you should try to forgive - I say try because it is really hard sometimes - we have to acknowledge that.
ReplyDeleteI separated from my son's father just over three years ago. I will never forget the pain, but I have forgiven it. I am a better person, and I believe that my ex is too, following our break up. Forgiveness is important. There is a saying that hurt people hurt people - it is very true. By forgiving we stop hurting ourselves too.
Pen x #mg
Gosh, thank you. Knowing your story and seen your journey, I'm so glad you thought this post was good.
DeleteI always believed I could forgive really easily. Until someone close to me kept making the same mistake again and again. Now I've learnt that I can only forgive when there is trust alongside - when you believe they cannot just say sorry but not make the same mistakes again. Then I think forgiveness is important for everyone. Until then, it can be impossible x
ReplyDeleteI don't see forgiveness as being the same as giving someone a free pass. If someone keeps doing something, then taking steps to protect yourself from further hurt is really important.
DeleteI think forgiveness is really important for your own self care. If you don't fogive it just eats you up inside. #dreamteam
ReplyDeleteYou're right, forgiveness and letting things go is so important. Otherwise it will eat you up.
DeleteI love the way you've described forgiveness as not something which is linear, but more a wandering until you get there. That is so true. And it does feel so much better once you're able to forgive, doesn't it? Thank you for linking this to #DreamTeam.
ReplyDeleteIt does. But it's a hard journey sometimes
DeleteThis really helped me today where I am finding it challenging to forgive my husband but as you say actually doing so can help find me a peace I am struggling with at the moment #BloggersBest
ReplyDeleteIt's strange how the universe just throws things in your path that you need just at the right time. I'm so glad this post helped you and send you good wishes as you figure things out. Hugs
DeleteForgiveness can be so hard but definitely more valuable for yourself to be able let go of all the hurt and anger. Easier said than done though sometimes I know. Great post. #fortheloveofBLOG
ReplyDeleteIt's much easier to write about than it is too! Thank you for the lovely comment
DeleteOh Nikki this is such a wonderful topic to mull over. Forgiveness for me is something I associate with a serious wrong. My daughter said "forgive me mum" recently for breaking my confidence on something, whilst I was cross and upset with her, I didn't regard it as a serious wrong and said asking my forgiveness wasn't necessary, just an apology would suffice. I don't think I have ever been seriously wronged by someone that I couldn't ever forgive them, if I had I know that for me forgetting and moving on would be tough. Oh we need a cup of tea and a packet of biscuits for this! A response box is not big enough. Great thought provoking post and would love to be a fly on the wall for this chat between you and the Rev! #TweensTeensBeyond
ReplyDeleteI know! This is totally a tea, biscuits and a couple of hours job as even a blog post isn't long enough. I did get Rev T to read this just to double check I hadn't managed to mis-explain anything and the tone was right
DeleteThis has really made me think. I'm afraid I do find it hard to forgive when someone does me wrong and I know this is something that probably hurts me far more than them. Perhaps it is a self-preservation instinct to try and protect myself from further harm but as you so rightly pointed out, I don't have to be their mate! Loved the wibbly wobbly timey wimey stuff - Dr who's greatest line of all time. Thanks so much for sharing with us at #TweensTeensBeyond
ReplyDeleteThat is probably my favourite Who episode ever :) Thank you for the lovely comment
DeleteI wrote a post about forgiveness a year ago or so and I agree with you. It's a process and sometimes we fall backwards with it. Sometimes we manage to forgive one person but can't bring ourselves to forgive another for whatever reason. Sometimes forgiveness also means forgiving yourself for being helpless in a situation where you thought you should have had some control but didn't. As a little girl watching some horrible happen to my brother I felt helpless and for a long time I couldn't forgive myself because I believed it was my job to protect him. I had to learn through a very long and arduous process that it wasn't my fault, I was a child. I had to come to terms with the fact that once upon a time I was helpless then I had to forgive myself for being unable to save my brother (though I tried). Forgiveness is many things and has many different layers to it. Love this post! Thanks for writing it:) #mg
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for the lovely comment. I think sometimes that forgiving ourselves is the hardest of all. Sending hugs
DeleteI just loved this Nikki and also reading the comments. I've read it twice now and it's something that has been a feature for me this last year so my cogs are whirring. I still need to move to the next stage with this but, as always, it's a work in progress. Thank you for this and sharing it with #tweensteensbeyond
ReplyDeleteThat's the key - it's a journey and a process - with many steps forward and back along the way. Thank you for hosting each week :)
DeleteReading this made me question whether you are both ok. I think it often takes time to forgive people. It's not easy to forgive and forget all the time especially if it's something that has just happened. #bigpinklink
ReplyDeleteLike many things, it takes time and some work. :) I don't think forgiveness is instant. (Although I'm sure others disagree with me!)
DeleteGreat thought-provoking post. Forgiveness isn't a straightforward process but can be crucial to releasing pent up anger and moving on from troubles. Don't forget though, protect yourself from the situation happening again... #bloggersbest
ReplyDeleteThat's true. It's important to look after yourself and sometimes that means taking yourself away from a situation or a person
DeleteThis is such a great post, it's so hard to forgive sometimes but most of the time, by hanging on to it, you are punishing yourself more then anyone else. As hard as it is to set down that bag of anger, carrying it around is only a burden you bear. Thanks for linking up with us this week. #bigpinklink
ReplyDeleteThis is so true and a great way of putting it. Thank you :)
DeleteLovely post and the quote at the end if very fitting. Thanks for linking up to the #BloggersBests
ReplyDeleteI love that quote. It's so true :) Thank you for hosting each week
DeleteLove this post! Yes I think that's why forgiveness can be so difficult, because we have to keep doing it over and over again but it's better for us that way. I think that's why Jesus told the disciples to forgive 77 times, because it's way more than they expected! Mandela also said that unforgiveness is like making a poison for someone else and then drinking it yourself. You are bound to end up bitter and resentful if you don't take steps towards reconciliation. I agree you would be unwise to keep allowing yourself to be destroyed by another person's unkindness and cruelty and sometimes a bit of distance may be necessary. Hopefully those situations are few and far between! #Tweensteensbeyond
ReplyDeleteThank you. Love the insights as well. I hadn't heard that Mandela quote, but he's so right. Forgiveness is key, even if it's from a safe distance
DeleteDepending on the situation I think forgiveness is easy or hard, or somewhere in between. Time is also a great healer, and helps you to forgive. Thanks for linking up at #fortheloveofBLOG. Claire x
ReplyDeleteTotally agree. Sometimes distance and a bit of time does the work for you.
DeleteThis is a wonderful and timely post, as I struggle with my own pile of stuff. TY! #mg xoxo
ReplyDeleteGlad it found you at the right time. It's weird, but lovely how that happens
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