Cavendish's comments are in italics, my comments are in normal:
The Rules of Playgroup
Negotiating the unspoken rules and regulations of playgroup is like a complicated dance of courtship. At the base of this precious structure is the knowledge that ... every mother is acceptoing an unspoken deal that she knows has to be made. There are some women you will like. Others you can't stand. But this relationship is based on the fact that you have children of a similar age, that you wish your children to have friends and that is why you are there. You must, therefore, observe many rules of engagement when it comes to socalising with ... mothers:
Rule 1:
All children need friends, therefore you must be friendly with other mothers. You must make them like you, or at least pity you, for then they will invite -- your offspring ... to play. This will take the guise of, "You really must come for a coffee". The appropriate response ... is, "Of course, how kind", unless you really hate the person doing the asking, in which case you must say, "The twenty-fourth? Why, I am busy saving the world / going to an older child's assembly / getting my mother's car serviced that day".
Rule 2:
The popularity of your child is a Catch 22. This is how it goes - the more popular your child is, the more other mothers will think, "Gosh, there's a popular little [person], I wonder if (name of child) would like to be friends with that popular little [person] because then, maybe that popular little [person's] popularlity might rub off on up-to-now-unpopular (name of child) and make him more popular.Rule 3:
This means you must practice being nice. You must learn to bake and have proper tea in your house and have nice things for other mother's to eat. You must not be offish or patronising. You must take a small present over to their houses when they ask you for tea. A scented candle should do the trick.
Your house should be spotless at all times in case they pop round unexpectedly. Or at least the bits they'll see. Keep the other doors firmly closed!
Rule 4:
You seriously have to watch that competitive mothering ...
The Tubblet is learning to swim. The beginner's class is run at the same time as the class for kids doing competitive swimming. I've lost count of the number of parents I've heard "encouraging" their children by telling them how rubbish the other children are compared to them. Surely there must be a way of making your child feel confident without doing everyone else down! Surely ...?!
Rule 5:
When ... mothers tell you that little (name of child) goes to Tumbletots, Monkey Music, football, baby judo, tots yoga, toddler swimming lessons, tiny tots acting classes, sea cubs, mini hockey and rugby and cricket and Brazilian football and they can also swim, instead of saying, "Jesus! How on earth can any child cope with doing all that?" you should say, "Gosh, [s/he] sounds so talented".
Some children have a social schedule that makes you feel exhausted just hearing about it! And that costs a small fortune when you add up the cost of lessons, equipment and transport. We've gone for the less is more approach. Swimming during the weekend, Guides, guitar lessons and whatever after school clubs are free that the Tubblet fancies. We consider ourselves lucky to afford to do that. (These thoughts are, of course, a breach of Rule 7. Most thoughts about parenting are likely to be a breach of Rule 7).
Rule 6:
... Try to feel less miserable about (name of child's) talents and the seeming lack of talent of your own children. For have I not been moved by the achievements of my friend's children?
Rev T goes into various local schools and says it's all relative. Most children are good at some things and not so good at others. Usually my child is doing just as well as any other. But, due to Rule 4, it's easy to get the impression that everyone else's child is a total overachiever.
I'd add
Rule 7:
Never say anything that could be seen as a criticism of someone else's parenting choices. Or, at least, don't say it out loud. Every parent has their own model of parenting. And that model is totally right. Once you accept that and learn to keep your thoughts to yourself, it saves alot of unnecessary aggregation. There are, of course, exceptions to this rule. Pray that you never have to deal with them.
Apart form Rule 4 and 7, we're not very good at the above. I worked full time and Mr T was a house-husband whilst the Tubblet was at playgroup. Mr T is now Rev T so you add professionally religious to the mix.
We muddle though with the help of some brilliant people who take the whole experience with a pinch of salt.
No comments
Post a Comment