Pillow Talk. Advice for couples

As mentioned in a previous post, there was a group at Rev T's college for the spouses of Ministers in Training.

A friend who attended the group told me this.  She is not a woman given to to exaggeration or making stuff up!

This piece of advice has never featured in any marriage prep sessions we've done.  But it may work for someone. 

The leaders discussed the various problems a vicar’s spouse faces™.  One of the major problems was "Keeping The Magic of Your Marriage Alive".

As you're both busy, it's difficult to find time and energy for sex.  As this is part of the glue that holds a marriage together, it needs to occur regularly.   Valid point.   When both of you are working, it can get:  "Remind me ... who are you again ...?!"  

A suggestion for solving the problem was to embroider a pair of pillowcases with a pretty design. When one of you wanted sex,  the pillow would be turned over so the embroidery was face up.

If your other half saw this and turned the pillow over embroidery side up, you were on a promise.  If the pillow remained plain side up, then you weren't.  It was important to respect what the pillow said.  If it said no, then it said no! 

We have not tried this at home.  Embroidery is not one of my skills.  Carol, a friend who is an amazing needlewoman, offered to embroider me a set of pillow cases with the words, “Fancy A Shag”.   This may not have been quite what the person making the suggestion had in mind!   

No, we didn’t take her up on the offer!

Stuffocation. Simplifying Your Wardrobe

Birthdays (hopefully) mean Birthday beats ... Er no, time with your friends, family, Birthday presents and wishes.  Thank you everyone!  

If you're really lucky, it means Birthday money.  Extra spends!!!  Having decided to use the extra spends for clothes; the first thing to do is make some space in the wardrobe.  Time to give away (or, in some cases chuck far away) anything that:

• Hasn't been worn in a year.  (Unless its occasion-wear or for anti-social weather.  They may not be needed that often, but when you need them, you need them).  I cheat on this one and try to wear something that I haven't worn for a bit before goes.  Sometimes I remember why It's unworn and out it goes.  Other times it's like rediscovering an old friend and it stays.

• You no longer like it or think that if you saw it in a shop now, you'd leave it there and keep walking.

• Is in a difficult colour or doesn't really go with anything else. Lots of advice on how to avoid this under the wear tag).  

• Has gone wrong in the wash, is frayed, threadbare, discoloured, stained or  knackered.

• Doesn't reflect the life you're living now.  If you've gone back to college or given up work to look after children, you don't need a wardrobe of power suits etc.

• Anything that's too big or too tight.  Someone else could make much better use of it.  

Once the tidy is done, put everything back with the hangers the wrong way round.  When you wear it, put it back on the hanger in the wardrobe the right way round.  That helps you see what you've worn during the next clear out.  

Hopefully after that, you won't end up putting everything back into the wardrobe so there is something to wear.  No one wants to be naked and cold.  Howling because the budget won't cover an entire new wardrobe!  

• What you want to end up with is a wardrobe that reflects "your personal style".  Whatever that means.  

• That only contains items that go together.  So you can just pull out items that can be worn together.

• Full of items you love, want to wear and make you want to sing and dance when you see what you're wearing in the mirror.

So, having done the tidy, how to avoid the first world problem of stuffocation?   

Stuffocation is wardrobe so crammed with clothes; you can't find or remember most of them. And none of them go with anything else.  So you only end up wearing a few things over and over.  As those are the only ones you can prise out.  For that, I have a plan!  

Advice for Ministers and their Spouses. Tips for Surviving Ministry

A group for the spouses of the students at Rev T's college met regularly.  As the college is on one side of London and we lived on the other, I never attended any of the meetings.  There was only so far I was prepared to travel for tea / coffee, biscuits and a chat.  

They did their best to support the remote people with emails etc.  One of the things they shared were Tips for New Ministers and their Spouses,  I've improved it with some thoughts of my own!  Hope you find it helpful.

This CartoonChurch.com cartoon by Dave Walker originally appeared in the Church Times.

When you first arrive at a church

• Don’t judge the previous minister until you've walked a few years in their shoes.

• Find out why things are how they are before coming to any conclusions.  People don’t wake up one day and think I’m going to do this badly / brilliantly.  There is always a journey.

• Spend at least 6 months getting to know the church before making any big changes.  

• Some people have agendas.  Spend time observing before making friends / judgments.

• Pick your battles.  Once you've drawn your line, don’t give up at the first sign of resistance.
• Spouses try and avoid joining anything for six months.  Say no to everything to break people’s expectations.  Then do what you believe God is calling you to do.

• My friend Jen says he whole two preaches and a congregational lunch + Q & A (the BU standard) is insufficient to get to know a church. They visited two churches looking for a new Minister on the sly.  At one of them, one of the congregation cheerfully told them a few things they probably wouldn't have heard otherwise. Or not until it was too late.  A very quick and painless red light.  Or a green or amber one.  

The Spouse Factor

• Introduce your spouse and your children etc. Everyone will know them but they won’t know everyone!

• Decide how you see the Spouse's Ministry working.  Some couples feel that God called them both to Ministry and will look for churches with roles that "suit couples".  Others feel that it was the Minister who was called, don’t see themselves as a BOGOFF and are less hands on.  Making that clear from the start helps prevent problems later.

• You are not more or less than any one else.  You can't save the day, be everyone's friend and make the perfect church.  Do what you can.  Don’t try and do everything. 

Manse and Finance

• Get the Minister's contract to specify there will be a manse inspection once a year.  With any necessary work being done.  (This may be a big ask for a small church).

• Agree what additional things the church will pay over and above their legal obligations.  In the contract.  A smaller church might not offer a massive book fund etc, but they may offer more Sundays off.

• Claim your expenses honestly.  Not committing fraud goes without saying.  Don't be tempted to not claim "as part of your giving".  This gives the church a false impression how much things cost.  It causes problems if circumstances change or the next incumbent sees things differently.  A Minister's spouse I know had an extremely well paid legal job.  Her tithe paid her OH's salary.  When they left, the church realised they'd stopped budgeting for the Minister's salary.  The money had been spent developing other ministries.  The Ministerial OH also says that in one interview, when the church secretary found out what the spouse did for a living they said, "Great!  That means we can pay you less!"  They didn't feel led to take things any further!

• Be free to make it your home.

• Keep the public areas reasonably tidy.  There will be unexpected callers.  

• If you have to fill in a tax return, make get advice about how to fill it in correctly. 

• It will be tough if you've only got one wage.  Budget wisely.  Set aside an amount of treat money each month you can use for yourselves if you can.

Communication

• Decide what to tell your spouse about pastoral and church related things and then tell the rest of the church.  Rev T tells me nothing!  

• Be prepared for what you've said to be repeated.  Not always accurately!

• Don't get suckered into discussing church policies, decisions etc.  There might be an agenda behind what seems like an innocent question.  You may let slip something you shouldn't.   

• Don't speak for each other.  Go direct.  

• You don’t have answer straight away.  Stall.

• Don’t stop talking to each other.  Accept what the other says and don't take it personally.  Deal with issues between yourselves in private.  Don’t criticise each other in public.  (Actually, this is good advice in any relationship).

Time

• Book family time / time off etc. as an appointment in your diary.  When someone ask you if you're free, you can truthfully tell them you're already got an appointment.  Low cunning is a good quality!

• Pace yourself.  There will be slower and busier times in Ministry. Take the long view, not the short view on work.

• Have days off that are truly days off.  No housework / DIY / weekly shopping etc.

• Ministry allows you to be flexible and pick up kids from school, go to sports days etc.  Be grateful for this.  Not everyone has this perk.

• Take holidays / Sunday's off.  Spread them out over the year.  

Boundaries

• Let phone calls go to answerphone on your day off.  Listen to them later.  Most so-called 'emergencies’ can wait, but you don't want to miss something important.

• Be prepared to go the extra mile, but have boundaries!  The Lion technique is good - growl, then growl louder if they don't take the hint.  If two growls don't work, roar.  If roaring doesn't work, pounce and use them as a chew toy.  Better than going straight to the roaring, the pouncing and Peggy Mitchell style shouts of "Get outa my church!" 

• Separate phone lines for home and church.  If you can.  Other suggestions - Caller ID and telling people who ring all the time that you will only speak to them so many times a week.

• Be clear what is appropriate use of the Manse,  It is the family home.  Both the Manses we've been given had one big room downstairs. Using them for meetings means I have to hide upstairs.  We don't do that unless we have too.  When the church heating broke a few winter's ago, all the evening meetings were at ours until it was fixed. No one was being turned into a Popsicle so I could watch TV.

Friends

• Find friends outside church.  Other Ministers and their spouses, parents at school etc.  Keep in touch with old ones.  (Note to self, take own advice!). Find interests outside the church as well. 

• Take advantage of support groups.

• Be cautious about friends in the church.  The Minister may have to hold them accountable one day and they might not like it.  Too close a friendship and people forget who you are and either moan at you about the leadership or ask you to influence discussions / policy.  They may just want to be your friend because you are the Minister's spouse.  That improves their standing in the church.  Having never been one of the cool kids, I find the whole idea that I've suddenly become one by association hilarious.   

• Get to know your deacons socially.  Don’t just see them as work colleagues.

• Feed yourselves spiritually.  Go to conferences, read, listen to sermons, retreat etc. Be intentional as this isn't going to happen by accident.  Find what works for you. 

• It can be hard listen to your spouse speak all the time, especially as you know them so well. 

Calling

• Write down the journey of your calling.  Look at it during tough times as  a reminder / encouragement that God has called you.

• You are not there by accident or misfortune, but because God put you here. Ask God to show you why.  (Must resist obvious sick sense of humour joke).

Crisis Management

• Look after and be kind to yourself.

• Find some support.  Someone to talk to who can give you perspective. Use the regional ministers!!!  

• Use the Ministers & Family Counselling Service (CMCS).

• It can be difficult to cope when your spouse is the one getting a good kicking.  As there are only so many bodies you can dispose of before the police come calling, you need to find a sensible way to cope.  Find something that you enjoy that helps take your mind off things and gives perspective. 

• The spouse who didn't sign up for this. Find a friend and be honest.

To sum up:

You will make mistakes and get it wrong. Rely on God’s grace.  Don’t forget the joys of seeing people grow.  The fun times of being involved in special moments in church life.  The community – we never had problems with finding someone to feed the gerbils!

I'm sure that each Minister and their spouse will have a slightly different list and a completely different take.  Some of the other advice that came from the Group wasn't so good. I'll share The Best Piece of Advice.  Ever.  another day.

This CartoonChurch.com cartoon by Dave Walker originally appeared in the Church Times.

Watching the Pennies. Money saving hints and tips

Continuing the series of posts about how this reformed shopaholic manages money.   

One of thing I try to do when I'm shopping is ask myself is it "Worth the money?”  Worth the cash I'm just about to hand over or a shiny. If I'd learnt to ask that year's ago, I wouldn't have needed DA.  But I didn't.  So it goes. 

Now, I try and work though these questions: 

Can I afford it?   

Do I have the money to pay for this?  Will buying this mean incurring debt?  If no, then onto the other questions. If yes, then tough luck.

Do I need it?  

No?  Nothing spent.  If yes, then onto the next question.

 Do I already have something like it?

 If yes, then nothing spent.  I'm trying not to be a weapon of mass consumption.  If no, then on to the next question 4.

Is it well made? Will it last a long time? Is it a classic I won’t get fed up with?  Does it go with other things I own?  Does it make me want to sing and dance because it could be mine? 

If the answer to all of those questions is yes, then onto the next.  There are other things that could be considered here as well, like, Is this a company I want to give money too?  If that’s a no, then nothing spent.

Can I get this cheaper elsewhere?   

Is this something I can only get here or will it be cheaper somewhere else?   Variants of this are Can I get something similar that's cheaper that'll do the same job? and Could I borrow one?

The killer question is always Is it worth the money I need to earn to pay for this?  

Do I want to spend the hours needed working to get this?  Is it worth what they are charging?  If the answer is no, then nothing spent.  Finally …

Sleep on it.  

If I still feel the same the next day, go through the questions again.  If the answer is still yes, then I'll go back buy it.  If things look different in the morning, that's that.

This works reasonably well.  There are two exceptions:

• eBay. I set a limit and stick to it.
• Shopping somewhere that I can’t go back to the next day.

If you're a fellow impulse shopper, this process might help you too.   Much of my debt was built on impulses - "Ohhhh, the shiny!  Must have the shiny!".

It’s good to have something in place to help control the thing that got me to in debt.  It’s good to know there is another way.  

There are some great Tips to Stop You Spending Money on Money Saving Expert.  The DeMotivator is my favourite.  It convinced me to give up my every work day Latte.  £2.10 a day is £525 a year or a £23,625 over a working life.  Gulp!  A tin of coffee and a contribution to the department milk fund is way cheaper!

The F*ckwit's Prayer. The Book of Uncommon Prayer

Thank you to Lesley, Sue, Phil P, Jen, Ros and Mary for the likes and the comments.  Much appreciated.

Laura on Ship of Fools came up with The F*ckwit's Prayer, an entry in The Book of Uncommon Prayer:

"Lord, I pray for idiots everywhere.  That they will learn to behave and communicate in a straight-forward way.  And not bugger good people about.

Oh, and we pray for the strength to forgive them, because today, we're not up to it.  And tomorrow isn’t looking very good either.  Maybe next year, or someday when they want something. Yeah, then. 

But, when the time comes, give me the strength of character not to behave like an idiot in return. Although it would be nice … And serve them right. 

Amen"

A thought that people of all faiths and none can share as the F*ckwits will always be with us.

Sharing with all these great Linkys 

Wanted, the Perfect Vicar

Having explained the whole Calling process, it's worth thinking about the theory behind it. Basically, the vicar you get is the perfect one for your church at the time. 

Or Supergirl ...

A discussion about the vicar's role on Ship of Fools and remembering the whole Settlement process made me think about the shopping list churches have when looking for a Minister.  

It's easy to forget that vicars are flawed human beings.  With a theology qualification.  Their spouses and children are also flawed human beings.  They come as part of the package.

• Challenges the congregation so they grow spiritually.  Doesn't offend them or change anything. 

• Holds services that are not too long or too short.  Contain the right mix of hymns and choruses.  Sermons are the correct length.  Not too high or low brow. 

• Works from 7am to midnight on all aspects of church life.  Is always  available if needed.  But has a good family life.

• Invests 25 hours a week in sermon preparation; 20 hours in pastoral ministry; 10 hours in meetings; 5 hours in unexpected emergencies; 20 hours in visiting and evangelism; 6 hours in funerals and weddings; 30 hours in Bible reading, prayer and their own spiritual development; 12 hours in administration and correspondence; 10 hours in creative thinking and 15 hours organising the building project.  Still has time for family. 

• Has a burning desire to work with young people.  Spends all their time with old ones.

• Always has time for all committees and activities of the church.  Never misses a meeting of any church organisation.  Is always busy building relationships with people outside the church.  Still has time for family. 

• 30-something years old.  With over 40 years of experience.

• Is good looking.  But not too good looking.  Not too tall or short.  Not too fat or thin. Not too funny or serious. 

• Talented, gifted, scholarly, musical, practical, popular, compassionate, understanding, patient, level-headed, dependable, loving, caring, neat, organised, cheerful, and above all, humble.  Can leap tall buildings in a single bound.

• Has perfect, well behaved children of all ages.

• Has Spouse with all the spiritual gifts listed by St Paul.  The qualities of the perfect woman listed in Provers.  The judgement of Deborah and the wisdom of Solomon.  Plus any practical gifts that fill all the skill gaps in the church's ministries.  Plus (!) psychic powers so s/he always knows where the Minster is and what's happening.  I apologise in advance to any church that calls Rev T in the future.  Falling over your feet and saying ar*e a lot may not be considered good qualities, but they're what I bring to the table.

• Is at someone else's church.  

If your vicar does not measure up, send this to six other churches that are tired of their vicar as well. Bundle up your vicar and forward to the church at the top of the list.   If everyone cooperates, in one week you will receive thousands of vicars. One of them should be perfect.  Have faith in this letter. One church broke the chain and got their old vicar back in less than three months.

Back to Black. Getting Out of Debt and Staying Out

Going back to this post, where I talked about being £6,000 in debt, I thought some people might be interested in the detail of how I paid it off.  "Rev T and some good friends helped me set a repayment plan and stick to it"

This was before the Internet.  It was an article in a paper or magazine about a book.  How to Get Out of Debt, Stay Out of Debt and Live Prosperously by Jerrod Mundis.  The book is based on the principles of Debtors Anonymous (DA).  

The main difference between DA and some other good sources of advice, is DA acknowledges for some people, debt is an addiction.  It's going to take more than a good budget to get them back to black.  Mundis has been there and bought that. He works through every excuse and demolishes them all.  It's not an easy read, but it's a worthwhile one.

The first thing is to acknowledge that debt is you have a problem with debt.  My name is Mrs Tubbs and I am a compulsive debtor. 

Once the problem is acknowledged and owned, it's time for the next step.

Commit to not incurring any new debt today.  Just today.  Yesterday has gone and life doesn't come with an undo button.   Tomorrow isn't here yet so you don't need to worry about it.  

The book sets out a re-education process.  A spending detox, debt repayment plan and a refocusing of priorities from shopping / debt to family, friends, career etc.

 A new person that's more than just the balance on a card.  As no one talks about money ever, let alone debt, it's easy to assume that you are the only person in the world with this problem.  You’re not.

There reason about why some people have this issue and others don't btw.  Rev T was born with the ability to track his money to the penny.  He can rattle off his bank balances and if he doesn't have the money, he stops spending until he has.  

Here’s a brief outline of DA's process: 

• Work out the cost of monthly essential out-goings.  Housing, utilities, food, transport to work.  What’s left is for debt repayments, savings and non-essential spending.

• Create a monthly spending plan that reflects outgoings.  £x for housing, £y for food, £x for clothes etc.   Unlike some regimes, the book allows for small items of non-essential spending and saving.  Only within the confines of the monthly spending plan. Identify ways to reduce outgoings and increase income.  

• Go through the bills and work out how much is owned.  And who too.  Try not to freak out!  

• Work out a repayment plan based on priority.  Size, interest rate or the lender.  Pay any mortgage / rental debts first.  Then the ones with the highest interest rate or the biggest. 

• Contact the people you owe money to ask them to accept your payment plan.  Many will accept as some money is better than none.  As each debt is paid, money is freed up to go towards other debts, outgoings and savings. 

• Track all spending.  However small.  Group spending into categories so you can see how the spending compares to the plan.  This helps you keep on track and adjust if needed.  Each night, add the daily totals to the weekly totals so you know what money is left for the rest of the month.  The commitment to not incurring new debt means this is the only money you have. This keeps you on track with the spending plan.

• Keep a monthly running total of how much you owe and how much you’re repaid.  Watching the balance decrease motivates you to keep going.  You can see it working!

• Cut up any credit or store cards so there won't be any new debt.  If they’re still there, they’re a temptation.  If they’re used, then the balance won’t decrease.  This was the hardest part of the process for me.  I hid my credit card in the underwear drawer.  It moved to a plastic bag of water in the freezer.  By the time I’d defrosted it, I’d lost interest in whatever it was.  Rev T had it for a while.  Eventually it got shredded.  I cried. 

Once all the debt is repaid, continue taking it one day at a time.  Keep to the spending plan and tracking.  The book assumes this is done in conjunction with regular DA meetings, a sponsor etc.  There weren't any groups near me.  I did it with the aid of some great friends.  Lisa, Laura and Karen and Rev T.  One day at a time.  

Years later, I'm still doing it, one day at a time.  Some days are better than others, but if one day goes badly, I know I did it yesterday.  That helps me feel able to give it another try tomorrow.

If you think that your issues with your finances are more than just being crap at budgeting, then DA may help you.  If you think you just need a better budget, then DA may help you create a realistic one and stick to it.   

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How We Ended Up on the Wrong Side of the River

When I married Rev T, he was going to be an accountant.  Eventually he admitted he wanted to be a vicar. Wanted is the wrong word.  God gave him the career advice.  Rev T took it.

We went through due process. We because all the family is involved even though only one of them is called to be a vicar:  For Baptists, the first part of the process of deciding a call to ministry is genuine or the product of a cheese dream, is this: 

• Talk to your church.  If they confirm the call, they help you get relevant experience before you

• Go before the local Ministry Recognition Committee. If they confirm the call, you go onto

• Have an interview at the college where you want to study for a ministerial qualification.  If they confirm the call you study for a degree for a minimum of three years. 

Getting turned down, or told to go away and come back later, can happen at any stage.  The college told Rev T go away and come back in a bit.  For a bit, we went to work at a church in the middle of one of the most deprived housing estates in Europe.  After a year, we went back to college.  This time they said yes!

Rev T did the church based degree course over three years.  Two days at college, two days at church, plus Sundays, study day and a day off. 

In the final year, you go into Settlement.  Aka, finding suitable church based employment.  This is the route to ordination:

• Settlement.  Find a church willing to call you to be their minister.

• If a church calls you to be their minister, then you are ordained.  Baptists only ordain if the call to ministry is confirmed by a local church.

• Commissioning service at the church that’s called you to ministry.

• Get on with it! 

Ministerial posts are scarce. Previously, there were several full time vacancies per student.  When Rev T was looking, there was one per student.  I don’t know if that ratio included suitable full time posts or took into account students going to do missionary work aboard or already had a church to go to.  Students were encouraged to consider part time or unpaid posts too. 

For qualified ministers looking to move from one church to another, the ratio is believed to be three people per vacancy. 

The Settlement process is like a dating agency.   Rev T wrote a profile outlining his church background, experience etc that included a reference from the college Principle.  He stated any particular preferences.  The more preferences, the harder it is to find a match.  Ours was within commutable distance of Mrs T's work.  

The churches also wrote a profile with a description of themselves that includes details of what they want in a minister.

The Settlement Committee meets once a month.  They pray though the list and pass suitable profiles onto a church with a vacancy.  They do not put the names into two hats, pray over them, do a FIFA style draw and then go to the pub. 

If the church wants to take it further, the leadership ask you to come for interview.  If the interview goes well, you’re invited to come to Preach with a Squint.  To lead a service.  This allows everyone to have a look at each other without actually committing to anything further. 

The church then decides if they want you back or not.  If they do, you’re asked to come and Preach With A View.  This is the biggie.  Same again, followed by a Q&A with the whole church.  Like a panel interview, with a really big panel!  

At the next church meeting, they’ll decide whether or not they want to invite you to be their minister.  If they do, and the minister to be is happy to accept, then it’s all good.

If they don’t want you to be their minister, then both parties start the whole process again.  The church isn’t allowed to invite you back if they decide later they’ve made a mistake.

Mr T’s name was put forward for roles at churches of all sizes.  He had a few interviews that didn't come to anything and then it got serious ... Names of the churches withheld for obvious reasons.

• Church A was a small to medium sized, multicultural church in the inner city. Bonus points from the Principal!.  They were offering a part time post with a housing allowance.  There wasn’t a manse.  Rev Preached with  A View, but they didn’t feel he was right for them.  We were gutted at the time.  It worked out for the best.  They found a minister with a house elsewhere who's happy to commute.  We found something else.

• Church B was a moderately sized church in a lovely part of the world. The congregation were really friendly, welcoming and keen.  I would have been the only person under Forty-mumble and the Tubblet the only child.  They loved their hymns and traditional worship.  Rev T loves these things too.  In moderation.  He prefers more modern songs and has been known to wave his arms in the air.  Rev T went to preach with a squint.  We knew, sadly, it wasn’t the right place for us.  Rev T would have been rocking under the pulpit, clutching a bottle of Jack Daniels three months in.  At the time of writing, they were still looking.  We hope they find someone who loves them and respects their spiritual identity.

• Church C is a small church in a Very Big village.  All age and multicultural.  Rev T had preached there a few times as it is fairly near to where we were.  Whilst he was looking, he went there to lead a service.  I suggested that as they were looking for a minister and he was looking for a church, it was worth having a conversation.  It’s worth asking the question even if you don’t get the answer you want.  The church agreed with me.  Rev T went straight to the preach with a view.  A week later, the church meeting called Mr T unanimously.  Unanimous is unusual and most Ministers have a threshold in their heads of what percentage they'd accept.  It's usually 80 to 90 plus, depending on the size of the church.  

When Rev T / God decides it’s time to move on, we got through the settlement process again.  Without the ordination bit.

We're now three years in and Rev is completing his probationary period.  Next year he'll be welcomed as a fully accredited minister with a handshake at Baptist Conference.

Church is still small, but growing slowly in numbers and spirit.  We give thanks for Home Mission for help with funding, trust God and hope for the best. 

The 5 Best Things About Church. May They Live Forever

The five things about church that I’d like to see live.  A companion post to this one about 5 things in church that I'd like to see die.  There should be praise as well as blame.

Best message.Ever.  

God loved people so much he gave his only Son, so everyone who has faith in him will have eternal life and never really die.  (John 3:16)

Community.  

There are millions of church communities of different sizes and shapes throughout the world.  All trying to be welcoming, caring and relevant, Jesus focused communities. It's one of the few places where you can interact people from outside your circle or peer group.

Diversity.  

Each of those church groups worships the same God completely differently.  That’s okay.  It’s the heart not the appearance that’s important. From the Highest Anglicans, via the Baptists, the Catholics to the Snake Handlers.  Something for everyone.

Practicality.  

Many of the things the UK takes for granted - welfare state, employment laws, charities, schools, NHS - exist because Christians campaigned for them and made them happen.  Many churches run toddler groups, lunch clubs for retired people, food banks etc. Christians are still at the forefront of campaigns against trafficking, slavery etc.  Be great if these things died because we didn't need them.

It's never dull.  

Trying to be community with people of different ages and cultures with one thing in common  - you all believe in God- is never dull.  Joyful, challenging, fun and frustrating but never dull.  It teaches you about yourself.  It teaches you even more about God.  We don't journey through things on either list alone. God - Father, Son and Holy Spirit - is beside us.  Hopefully at the centre of things.  But sometimes on the side-lines shouting, "Oi! I'm over here!"  That's the thing about God, he turns up everywhere.

Dirty Sexy Ministry concludes:

"The Church has been dying since its birth on Pentecost. And it has been living since Pentecost. The Church is a living spirit. Like all living spirits of God, we wax and wane. We have times of feast and famine. We are the embodiment of death and life. Perhaps instead of bewailing the death of the church, we can be the people of faith called into being on Pentecost and trust that death is part of our life together. Things will change. Beloved traditions may have lived their full life; new experiences are birthed. Change happens. Life goes on. Amen.  Alleluia!"

Things about Make-Up and Skincare I Wish I Knew When I Was 20

Thank you Amanda for the comment, the same thing happens to me.  My image of my 18 year old self is ruined by unexpected mirror glancing or photos.  Then it gets, "Who's the old bint?".  

Another post of limited husbandy interest.  London Beauty Queen posted two entries talking about things about make up and skincare she'd wished she'd known when she was 20.  

Excellent idea, here are the things that I wish my 18 year old aubergine eye shadow buying self-had known:

• Always wear sunblock.  Helps protect against cancer and sun damage. 

• Look after your skin.  Cleanse, tone, moisturise, maybe use a serum and an eye cream morning and night. Don't go to sleep with your make-up on.  Maybe bung on a primer before putting on make-up as well.  It’s unlikely any of us will be the youthful looking eighty year old who only used soap and water.  Get lots of sleep and eat well. 

• Don't believe the hype.  There will always be must have beauty products.  Some will work for you and others won't.  If you think they'll work for you, you can afford them and they don't duplicate what you've already got, then go for it.  If not, then don't worry, there will be another must have product along in a minute.

• Expensive isn't always best.  Whilst the Kevyn Aucoin Candlelight & Sculpting Powder Duo is finely milled, blends nicely, stays all day and comes in a beautiful case, it's £19. The Sleek Makeup Contour Kit costs £6.49, lasts forever and does the same thing.  Not quite as foxy looking, but does the same job with money left. 

• You've only got one face and only two of your four cheeks need blusher.  There's only so much stuff you need and can use up before it goes off.  

•  Make up is meant to enhance your features, it's not a mask.   Go easy!  

• Brushes.  The right brushes make application easier and the finished look better.  Clean them regularly. 

The most important rule of all, of course is to Have fun! 

Still Eighteen in My Head. Makeup When You're 40 Mumble

But the face that looks back at me in the mirror tells a different story.  We all age, get wrinkles etc. It's not the end of the world, just part of life.  You're not any less talented, gifted or compassionate etc now.  Just older.

This tutorial by Lisa Eldridge is aimed at women my age.  Brilliant as many makeup tutorials are by twenty-somethings.  Nothing wrong with that, but what works for them may not always always work for me as we're in a different place.

Eldridge's video is great as it discusses things about beauty at this age you'd really rather not - wrinkles, facial hair, sweatiness, not being able to see well enough to do a cats eye flick - and gives some work arounds.  The right makeup can take years off.  Me, only better.  Perfect for everyday.

But ... but ... It's so minimalist and tasteful!  Sometimes that's not what's wanted.  The girl who ran to Miss Selfridge to buy aubergine eyeshadow is in there.  And she complained when the eyeshadow wasn't aubergine enough.  For those times, there's this from Illamasqua.

In the words of Jenny Joseph's poem, Warning:

"When I am an old woman, I shall wear purple, with a red hat which doesn't go and doesn't suit me, and I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves and satin sandals, and say we've no money for butter"

If you're wearing purple and a red hat, you may as well combine it with some spangly eyeshadow and a red lip.

Thank you to Rev T for sharing my blog on Facebook and to Neil and Ros for the likes.

5 Things About Church That Just Need to Stop. Now!

Dirty Sexy Ministry, probably the best title for a blog about ministry unless you know different, posted a list of things that need to die in church.  Some of these are also on my list, others not so much.

As an opener, this is fantastic:

"Jesus does love us, and the church, this oddball, quirky, community of faithful and not so faithful exists because of that very love and the Holy Spirit.  And yes, the church is living and dying - at the same time.  We preach it.  We ought to do a better job of living it".

The obsession with size and numbers.   

Bigger and richer isn't necessarily better, a reflection of spiritual maturity or strength of community. Give the small to medium church locally before trying the mega church 20 minutes drive away.  The local church may not have five worship bands, a coffee shop or loads of children's groups, but it may be spirit-filled, lively and give you more opportunities to serve and grow.  (One of the catch 22's of a small church is that you don't have loads of resources so people don't come as they want a church with blah ... But if some of those people came, you would have them!)  If it doesn't work out, then try the mega church!

Unrealistic expectations.  

Nothing is going to meet every need, be available 24-7 or behave perfectly all the time.  Physic powers are not a gift of the spirit and people won't know things are wrong unless you tell them.  Churches are made up of fallen human beings.  Ministers are fallen human beings with theology degrees.  Minster's families are just people related to the Minister by blood or marriage.  And are fallen human beings.  It'll be messy, dysfunctional and people may behave badly.  Just try not to be one of them.  God can help with that if asked.

The curse of nice.  

Jesus asks us to love, be kind and honest.  Jesus accepted and loved people, but challenged behaviours.  Dirty Sexy Ministry:  "Nice will not tell you your drinking has become problematic, your anger is an issue, your bounaries are invasive and your pants are indeed too tight.  Love tries to find a way to do all these things with dignity".  Love tries the best it can.  (See point 2).  Jesus never promised there wouldn't be conflicts or disagreements either.  

Closed minds and hearts.  

Alan Cresswell on Ship of Fools invented two rules for discussion of Christian things:  "A discussion in which only one answer is possible is tedious, not to mention pointless".  And, "A Bible verse isn't the end of a discussion.  It's the start of one". Add in Jesus' teaching about loving each other; everyone being created in the image of God and it all gets a bit awkward.  Christians aren't people who all think the same things about God. The only thing they have in common is that they all accept Jesus as their Saviour and Lord. How they work that out in their lives is between them and God.  Giving people the freedom to ask questions, discuss issues and disagree is important.  If someone isn't prepared to fellowship with someone else because of what they think about blah ... That's pretty terminal.

Misuse of the word "persecution".  

Being disagreed with about Christian stuff or having the piss taken out of you isn't persecution.  That's just life!  This is persecution.  Living in fear, not being free to worship openly - that's persecution.  

For balance, there will shortly be a post talking about things about church that I'd like to see live forever.  And look, here it is!

Wish Lists. Putting the Waiting Back into Wanting.

Thank you comet, for the comment about getting books from public libraries rather than buying them in response to this post about ways to save money.  Shamefully I didn't think of that considering I used to work in one!

Thank you to all my Twitter / FB friends and family for reading and commenting there.  It's good to know that I'm not responseible for the page views.

One of the slogans used by the Access credit card was, "Take the waiting out of wanting". Creating the "gotta have it now, I deserve it" generation.  I'm one.  I racked up a credit card debt of £6,000 and paid it off a bit at a time.  It may not sound like a lot, but it was a lot to me.  I still have the final bill showing the zero balance.

Wish lists put the waiting back into wanting.

Money is for wants and needs.  Needs are things necessary to live - housing costs; food; utility bills etc.  Where that line is drawn is up to you, but I try to draw it fairly tight.  Any money left after needs goes towards savings and wants.

Wants is everything else.  Clothes, coffee whilst out, new things etc.  There is so much money for wants each month, but usually more wants than money.  Wish lists are a great way to keep wants in check.  Mine is on my phone,  It's a list of all the lovely things I'd like to buy for me, Rev T or the Tubblet.

Wish lists help keep things in perspective.  One new item may not look quite so fabulous compared to something else.  Or it'll help confirm it's this rather than that.  Or neither.  That money is better saved for later rather than spent.

As well as helping the books balance, it also prevents over consumption.  "Do I really need another ..."  Living gently.  The end game is that each and every purchase is something that's really wanted and will be used.

Being honest, once an impulse shopper, always an impulse shopper.  Wish lists help keep spending in check.  Only iron self control prevents an outbreak of Viv Nicholson style, Spend, Spend, Spend in Westfield.  But, when you have a wobble, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, remind yourself why you're doing this and start all over again.

30 Ways to Save Money

One of the last entries on my LJ blog was an entry for a MoneySupermarket competition asking for money saving tips from bloggers.  They paid £1 for each tip, up to a maximum of £30 per blogger. The £30 cleared the last bit of my overdraft.

Here are my 30 tips, all of which I've tried, with varying degrees of success:

1. Before buying anything, think about whether or not you really need it and can afford it.  (Check if it's cheaper elsewhere online).
2. Avoid impulse buying.  If you do see something you want to buy, always go off and have a think about it before purchasing.  If you still want it after you've thought about it, then go back and buy it.
3. Keep a track of all spending - the regular monthly outgoing, plus the ad hoc stuff.  Once you know where the money is going, it's easier to identify where to cut back.
4. Teach your children good spending and saving habits.  Lead by example, but also ask your child's school about some sort of financial education programme.
5. If you're paying for services you're not using - gym, extra TV channels - then cancel them.  Check your bank statement regularly to make sure you've not missed anything.
6. As things like car or home insurance come up for renewal, then check for the best deal on comparison sites.  Then purchase on a cash back site if possible so you get extra cash along with your discount.
7. Start small and work up.  If you set unrealistic targets from the start, then you'll never stick to them.  But if you start with small changes - making coffee rather than buying it; taking a packed lunch - you'll soon see a difference.  That'll motivate you to keep at it and do more.
8. Never lose sight of why you're doing it.  Saving money for something; paying off the mortgage or clearing debt.  That'll keep you motivated.  And if you have the occasional wobble, just pick yourself up and start again.
9. Identify ways you can make estra money - crafting; selling practical skills or unwanted items; taking a lodger or doing surveys.  Make sure you're all square tax wise.
10. Before doing the weekly food shop, check what's in the cupboards and freezer, then plan your shopping list.  And stick to it!
11. Check prices on MySupermarket to make sure you're getting the best deal.  Look at value ranges too, they're usually just as good as the branded stuff.
12. Once you've purchased your food, don't waste it.  Use it all up!  Try LoveFoodHateWaste for ideas.   
13. When you're cooking, check you're not serving too much using the Perfect Portion tool.  
14. Go meat free a few days a week.  When you're serving meat as part of a meal, use it as a flavouring or side dish instead of the main event.
15. Invite friends round for meals instead of meeting up at a restaurant.
16. If there are pound shops, value supermarkets or outlet stores locally, get to know what they sell and purchase items from there.
17. Cut tubes of shampoo, moisturiser etc in half and use the top half as a lid.  There's usually a month or so's worth of product hiding at the bottom.
18. Use up all the toiletries and make-up you have before buying more.
19. Take advantage of offers - bogoffs, 3 for 2's, price reductions etc - on things you'd normally buy.  It's only a bargain if you'll use it!
20. When buying clothes, think about what else is in your wardrobe it'll go with, how often you'll wear it and how long it'll last.  Calculate the cost per wear.  And only ever buy something that makes you sing and dance in the changing room when you put it on.
21. Take good care of your clothes.  Hang them up when they're not being worn and air them.  Follow the washing instructions and repair them when necessary.  They'll last longer.
22. Never go shopping when you're angry, bored, drunk etc.  Or food shopping when you're hungry.  You'll spend more.
23. Remove any retail apps from your phone / tablet and don't save your details.  If you've got to physically find a site, log in and enter your card details, it makes you think about what you're spending.
24. Look for local free or cheap days out for the family.  Take a packed lunch and a bottle of water to keep costs down.
25. If you have a Gold railcard, show it when buying tickets for others as there may be a discount.
26. Book train tickets in advance if you can as it's usually cheaper.
27. Never leave electrical goods on standby.
28. Turn lights off when you're not in the room.
29. Turn the heating / water down a degree or so.  It'll help reduce energy costs.  When it's cold, put a jumper on before turning the heating up.
30. Sign up for MSE's Cheap Energy Club.  That flags up any savings on your monthly bill so you can take advantage of them quickly and easily.

Everything the Daily Mail Tells You is Wrong. 6 Myths about Poverty

Everything.  Even the date.  Always check with a more reliable source.  Labour leader, Ed Milliband, has broken the UK section of the Internet by getting the price of his weekly shop wrong.  He guessed £80.  This is £10 over the UK average for a family of four, but a little out.  

Whoever actually does the shopping may be telling him it's £80 so they don't have to constantly explain that's how much it costs for what they eat.  And to avoid listening to another wisecrack about Wagyu beef and Foie Gras.  

Food is expensive.  However careful and organised you are with meal planning, there's only so far a £1 will stretch.  

At time, there was an unintentionally hilarious Daily Mail article where the writer, Rose Price, complains that Milliband is "out of touch", sneers at value ranges and admits to spending £200 a week on food.  (No link.  I have standards!) 

The Daily Blog NZ

For many families, £80 a week to spend just on food is a fortune.  £200 wealth beyond their imagination.  To be honest, it's beyond mine!  Some families have very little money for the weekly food shop due to price increases, low wages, IDS' 'improvements' to the benefit system and the government's War On The Poor And Needy.

Everyone in the village knows where the Minister's house is.  Next door to the Baptist Church.  Occasionally we get callers who need help with various issues.  The vast majority of them are genuine.  You get the odd one, but ... You can't not help people because of the one bad apple.  We had one the other day, calling to find out where the local food is.

There isn't one in the village at the moment.  Not for want of trying, but a food bank needs resources and they're not in place yet.  All the local churches collect for the nearest one.  (Whether food banks should exist at all in one of the richest countries in the world is another rant entirely).

As any Daily Mail reader knows, food banks are places where con artists can tell some gullible volunteer a sob story and get some free food.  (Yes, they really did send a journalist to investigate).  Daily Mail readers are wrong.  People are referred to food banks because if they didn't get some free food, they'd starve.  They can't buy food as they have no money.  Usually they have no money because of low wages, benefit changes, no work etc.

The lady who called had been made redundant from one job but wasn't due to start one for a few weeks.  Her husband was too ill to work as he's recovering from cancer, but wasn't entitled to benefits.  There was no money for a supermarket shop.  There was no food in the house for them or their teenager.  

The local food bank wasn't open until Monday.  5 days wait.  

Fortunately, there was some food in the church waiting to be taken to the local food bank.  He gave her some items to tide her over until the food bank was open.  And followed up a few days later to make sure they were all okay.

A coalition of the Baptist Union of Great Britain, the Methodist Church, the Church of Scotland and the United Reformed Church issued a report challenging the stereotypes used about the poor in the UK - "The Lies We Tell Ourselves:  Ending Comfortable Myths about Poverty".  It's a reminder of the church's role as carer for the poor and caller on society's bulls*t.  

I've read the executive summary so you don't have too:

Myth 1 - They're lazy and don't want to work.  

The most commonly cited cause of child poverty is that "their parents don't want to work".  The majority of children in poverty are from working households.  In work poverty is more common than out of work poverty.  It is commonly believed that there are families in which three generations have never worked.  Examples of such families have never been found.  Evidence suggests that it's unlikely it ever will.

Myth 2 - They're addicted to drink and drugs.  

The second most commonly cited cause.  Whilst addiction is devastating for families and communities touched by it, fewer than 4% of benefit claimants report any form of addiction.  

Myth 3 - They're not really poor - they just don't manage their money properly.   

Nearly 60% of the UK's population agrees the poor could cope if they managed their money properly.  Living on a low income means constantly struggling to manage limited resources, with small events having serious consequences.  Statistics show that the poorest spend their money carefully, limiting themselves to the essentials.

Myth 4 - They're on the fiddle.  

Over 80% of the UK population believe that "large numbers falsely claim benefits".  Benefit fraud has decreased to historically low levels.  The kind of levels that the tax system only dreams of.  Less than 0.9% of the welfare budget is lost to fraud.  And, if everyone claimed what they were entitled to, it would cost £18bn more.

Just in case you ever it, the fraud figure comes from a HMRC report, "Measuring Tax Gaps 2012". The tax gap of £33bn contains many sub-divisions and the range of figures varies.  It's a matter of judgement whether or not some categories are "fraud".  (I love a well sourced and footnoted document!)

Myth 5 - They have an easy life.  

Over half the British public believes that benefits are too high.  Government ministers speak of families opting for benefits as a lifestyle choice - benefits culture.  But we know that benefits do not meet minimum income standards.  They've halved in value relative to average incomes over the last 30 years.  The ill and unemployed are the least satisfied and happy with life.

Myth 6 - They caused the deficit.  

The proportion of the UK's tax bills spent on welfare has remained stable for the last 20 years. Increased welfare spending is not responsible for the current deficit.  Public debt is a problem, but the poorest aren't responsible for it.

Next time you read a newspaper article, or watch a news story about benefits or the poor, you can play a weird game of Bingo.  Tick off the number of myths each opinion piece or story includes. Maybe donate an item to your local foodbank for each one!

The conclusion:

"As a coalition of British churches, we want to create a new story: one grounded in truth, compassion and hope.  Part of our calling as Christians is to seek after truth and that means facing up to our own blindness as well as calling others to account. 

Collectively, we have come to believe things about poverty in the UK that are not grounded in fact.  We need to develop an understanding of the depth and breathe of UK poverty that is compatiable with the evidence available.

Just as importantly, we need to match the language of public debate with the reality of people's lives.  It is a task we must approach with humility; one which puts the lived experience of poverty at its heart, and one which is committed to truthfulness - no matter how uncomfortable we find those truths to be.  Please join with us in this challenge".

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Dedicated Follower of Fashion. Fashion Tips for Looking Good at 40 Mumble

One of the challenges of being 40-soon-to-be-50-mumble is finding clothes that are well made, flattering and not too expensive.  Most shops target the younger and thinner, but maintaining confidence whatever your age is important.  The right outfit can really help!

I've been reading Woman by Michelle Guiness.  It contains a checklist that her daughter, Abby put together.  Abby thought there were obvious age giveaways that we often don't see.

Tick which of these fashion no-nos apply to you to discover how young and free you really are:

• Large floral or paisley patterns.

• Leggings with a jumper that doesn't cover your front or behind.

• Leggings with court shoes.

• Ski pants.

• Mid-calf length skirts, especially pleated ones.

• Tracksuits worn as a set, particularly velour ones.

• Clothes through which underwear shows.

• Waistbands really high on the waist.

• Boobs that hang below your waistline.  Get a better bra.

• Orthopaedic shoes.  No matter how comfortable they are, they're gross.

• Shoes with tassels on them.

• Boots with a fur trim.

• Fluffy slippers.

• Woolly tights without Lycra in them.  They ruckle at the ankle.

• Pop socks.  They were never cool.

• Drawn on eye-brows.

• Hairy armpits.

• Blue rinses or tight perms.

• Gold handbags.

• Long pearls or necklaces.  Double if tied in a knot.

Two ticks or fewer - You're a marvel.  A twenty year old in mind and body.

Three to four ticks - Then you need to get a grip on your image and wardrobe to spice up your life and be ready for a new challenge.

More than four ticks - Abby thinks you're past it.

I got one - the fluffy slippers.  Two if count Birkies as orthopeadic sandals.  And I don't.  Maybe a half if you're picky about floral patterns.  But still a 20 year old in mind and body.  Body fails to reflect score.  Not convinced about mind either.

How many did you get?  Any other things you think should be added to the list?  

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